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Post by macd on May 21, 2007 17:48:43 GMT
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Post by ibm59 on May 21, 2007 18:36:28 GMT
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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salmondan
Member
Fishy fishy, elusive fishy
Posts: 289
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Post by salmondan on May 21, 2007 19:11:16 GMT
A quality item there Ross. ;D Bloody good job you never mentioned Yorkshire though  |
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elwyman
Member
A nice autumn day on the Conwy
Posts: 1,035
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Post by elwyman on May 21, 2007 19:18:51 GMT
........as if there's no sheep in Scotland! ;D
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Post by williegunn on May 21, 2007 21:13:10 GMT
So this cowboy goes out to seek his fortune on the frontier of the old West. He finally settles on a ranching town near the very edge of civilization. So near, in fact, that there aren't any women to be found for love nor money. Well, he's young and full of hormones, and after a month, he starts getting randy, so he goes to the saloon to ask around. After a couple of sort of nervous, whispered conversations, it comes out that you use the sheep. Well, our hero isn't real happy about this, but he's really desperate. He buys a bottle to nerve himself up. He goes and finds the nearest flock, and decides that if he's going to do this at all, he's going to do it right. He spends most of the afternoon picking out the prettiest sheep in the flock. He shampoos her wool and ties ribbons around her neck. Puts a little bell on her collar. He's also getting pretty drunk. By evening, he's done cleaning up the sheep, and not thinking real clearly. He's so proud of the way the sheep looks, he decides to take her in to town and show her off at the saloon. He walks in with the sheep, and the room goes quiet. Everybody's staring at the guy. And not just staring, but kinda recoiling in shock and horror. He's ashamed, but he's drunk enough; he slurs out, "Whassamada, I thought ever'body went out to the sheep?" Finally, one old timer pipes up. "Yeah, boy, but you got the sheriff's sheepl."
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Post by speycaster on May 21, 2007 21:22:35 GMT
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Post by colliedog on May 21, 2007 22:50:25 GMT
Then there is the French Foriegn Legionaire, newly assiged to a remote fort in the Sahara desert. After a month, horny and frustrated he asks his seargent what he should do. Well, he replies, most of the lads use one of the camels. Later that night he is interupted mid-coitus (or should that be hump!) in the stables by a group of comrades - seeing the disgust on their faces he quickly recounts what the seargent had told them.
Yes of course we use the camels comes the reply - but only to get us down the trail to the local whorehouse.
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Post by macd on May 22, 2007 10:14:52 GMT
........as if there's no sheep in Scotland! ;D Yeah, we just clone them now though for the sex trade. ;D I couldnt edit the story to make sure i was even handed in offending all 'sheep-rearing' parts of the UK. Sorry if anyone felt left out. Dan ewe got something to hide ;D ;D? |
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salmondan
Member
Fishy fishy, elusive fishy
Posts: 289
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Post by salmondan on May 22, 2007 11:25:50 GMT
Only the oversize wellies and velcro knee pads Ross ;D
Reminds me of the tale of the Yorkshire farmer who was known for being a bit too friendly with his sheep. He was having his way with one of his flock one day when a passing tourist asked if he was shearing. The farmer replied "No, get your own, I want her all to myself"
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Post by macd on May 22, 2007 13:35:55 GMT
;D ;D classic dan
there was an urban myth going around inverness when i was a loon about a certain character (malcolm and fishingd0 do you remember the infamous granville?).
As the the myth goes he was up before the sherriff on a charge of making whoopee with a sheep (could have been a donkey). Anyway the lore goes that our hero explained the incident occurred because the animal backed into him while he was having a pee.
The sherriff smiled and then asked how it managed to get its hind legs into his wellies ;D
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Post by akflyrod on May 22, 2007 17:42:14 GMT
nice one macd
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Post by splash on May 23, 2007 20:56:22 GMT
McD, you of all folks should know that famous Aberdonian cover version of the rolling stones classic
"Hey Mcleod get of ma ewe" ;D
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Post by iainjay on May 23, 2007 21:49:09 GMT
Contiuing the farming theme, here's a cracker!!
Scottish farmer from the Isles is recently widowded.Says to himself "Always fancied Australia"...So, sells up and moves out. Buys himself a huge spread and is really chuffed...as far as the eye can see is all his.Next morning he's standing out on his verandah and spots a tiny dust cloud absolutely miles away but getting closer all the time.Ages later this huge pick-up skids to a halt in front of him,and out this figure jumps.Khaki shirt,khaki shorts,hat with the corks, the lot."G'day mate,I'm your neighbour and I'm here to invite you to a party to welcome you to Australia" (best in a real put-on Aussie accent)..."sounds great" says Jock."What kind of party will it be?"
"Oh mate, there'll be plenty of drinkin....plenty of fightin...and plenty of f***kin."
"sounds fantastic" says Jock "what should I wear to the party?""
"Y'can wear anythin' you like mate.......ITS JUST YOU AND ME!!!!"
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Post by macd on May 23, 2007 22:13:01 GMT
McD, you of all folks should know that famous Aberdonian cover version of the rolling stones classic "Hey Mcleod get of ma ewe" ;D  no idea what you are on about splash.  |
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Post by splash on May 25, 2007 13:41:30 GMT
Another farming one
Three prostitutes are comparing their latest punters
First one says, "I had an electrician last night it was magic he got wired straight in "
Second one says "I had a drummer and it was brilliant, he banged away all night"
Third one says " I had a farmer, it was terrible; too wet , too dry or too expensive!" ;D
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no idea what you are on about splash. 