One liners

[salmondan]

As was mentioned in the moderation thread by pertempledog, we should have a one liners thread, so here it is.

Any good put downs you've used/heard (not neccessarily just from this forum) are most welcome, you never know when one may come in handy. The best one (s) could be put forward for a prize at the end of the year. Prizes could include such coveted items as

A day as a moderator

A set of flies from a fly swap

A ride in the Green Banger ;D









My nomination is for the response from macd to scottyboy9nro's dubious fish pic

9nro "jealousy gets yeez nowhere, yous should b sayin well done"

macd "im not jealous-we have 2 asdas"

Pure comedy genius ;D ;D ;D

[sinkingtip]

Excellent thread salmondan. My vote would go to Macsalmo's reply to the thread "Superstitions" where I make mention of an acquaintance who was heavily into the female pheromone theory and, as a result, "always put his fly box under that side of the mattress where his wife slept".
The sum total of Mac's reply was "I cant get on that side of the mattress let alone my fly box".

Simple and effective. If not worthy of 'the prize' at least worthy of a mention in dispatches. ;D

[sewinangler]

Any good put downs you've used/heard (not neccessarily just from this forum) are most welcome, you never know when one may come in handy. The best one (s) could be put forward for a prize at the end of the year. Prizes could include such coveted items as

Here's a few one liners from a few historical figures. Modify and apply as you see fit!

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
-- Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
-- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
-- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
-- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
-- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
-- Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
-- Abraham Lincoln

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
-- Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
-- Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
-- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one."
-- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
-- Winston Churchill, in response

I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
-- Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
-- John Bright

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
-- Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
-- Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
-- Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy."
-- Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
-- Jack E. Leonard


"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
-- Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
-- Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."
-- James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
-- Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
-- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
-- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
-- Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
-- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
-- Billy Wilder

"He sets extremely low standards and consistently fails to achieve them."
-- My old boss about a wayward employee.

[paulsewin]

Here's my favourite one, from Ireland.

A ghillie's response to questions about the authenticity of the catches claimed by the rod he was guiding earlier that day - I believe the issue was the weight of the individual fish caught:

"He's the kind of man who never sees a small rat"

[iainjay]

Heard a good line at work the other day.

"Heavy night Callum?"....

"No, I'm fine"

"That why your eyes look like a Japanese sniper with a sty?"

[salmondan]

iainjay said:

"That why your eyes look like a Japanese sniper with a sty?"

I wish I could laugh out loud but I'll wake the kids.

Muttley style sn1ggering for the next half hour.

ouch ;D ;D ;D

That must be worth a ride in the Green Banger

[akflyrod]

that was quite funny springer

[iainjay]

Salmondan

Do you reckon there's plenty leg room in the Green Banger, I'm 6' 3" ?

[ibm59]

From genuine RN fitness reports
" This man consistently sets himself high standards , and equally consistently fails to reach them"
"This man is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot and under no circumstances should he be allowed to breed"
" This officer's men would follow him anywhere , but only out of curiosity"
You can always rely on the " Grey Funnel Line " for a laugh.

[speycaster]

the prize could be a grammar lesson from our very own W.G.

[speycaster]

heres one my old headmaster used to use about the class idiot [ IF HE WAS A DOOR HE WOULD BE SHUT]

[ibm59]

speycaster said:

the prize could be a grammar lesson from our very own W.G.

Dear oh dear. ;D .That sounds about as much fun as a wet weekend in Dunoon. No thanks. What's the second prize?

[williegunn]

iainjay said:

Salmondan

Do you reckon there's plenty leg room in the Green Banger, I'm 6' 3" ?

You might have to wait a while, the Green Banger is deceased.( Awaiting unobtailable parts)

[iainjay]

I knew a girl a long time ago who had those....

[speycaster]

what green bangers ;D or unobtailable parts ;D

[tombee]

To anyone sticking their tongue out:
"If that were mine I'd have it amputated"

[tombee]

What about oxymorons (or is that another thread?)?

Military intelligence

Pretty ugly


And of course:

Microsoft Works

[tombee]

You're old enough to remember when the Dead Sea was only just sick!

[tombee]

Couple more or so I came across at one time or another:

“Most people have a photographic memory; you just don't have film.”

“Your mind’s wandering; it’s too small to be out by itself.


This one I heard tonight in the pub….absolutely great:

“Just because you’ve got one, doesn't mean you have to be one.”

Absolute classic!

[pertempledog]

iainjay said:

I knew a girl a long time ago who had those....

Didn't we all..... (sigh)