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Post by pertempledog on Mar 22, 2007 11:23:39 GMT
Well if we can use the old ones then here is another classic...
An Irishman an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.
"Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now,the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."
"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
"Ahhh sure, that's nothin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin, there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had
enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All
on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. But, the Irishman swears every word is true.
"So," said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you"?
"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me sister."
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Post by castlikeaghille on Mar 22, 2007 11:52:20 GMT
Stan Headley's favourite joke..... Old Tom is sitting outside his cabin one day when he spies young Billy Bob walking purposefully along the road carrying a bag. "What's in the bag young Billy Bob?" Says Old Tom "Chicken wire which I'm gonna use to catch me some chickens." replies Billy Bob Tom just laughs, shakes his head and says "You'll never get no chickens with no chicken wire". Two hours later he sees Young Billy Bob coming back along the road with a bulging bag. On inspection he sees it is full of chickens. "Well I never" exclaimed Old Tom. The next day, Old Tom is once again sitting outside his cabin when he spies young Billy Bob once again walking purposefully along the road carrying his bag. "What's in the bag today young Billy Bob?" Says Old Tom "Duck tape, which I'm gonna use to catch me some ducks." replies Billy Bob Tom just laughs and shakes his head. "You'll never catch no ducks with no duck tape." Two hours later Old Tom sees young Billy Bob coming back along the road with a bulging bag. On inspection he sees, to his amasement, it is full of ducks. "Well I'd never have believed it" exclaimed an incredulous Old Tom. The following day Old Tom is once more sitting outside his cabin when again he spies young Billy Bob walking purposefully along the road carrying a bag. "What's in the bag today young Billy Bob?" Says Old Tom "Pu*sy Willow which I'm gonna use to catch me......." "Stop right there son," says Old Tom.......... "I'll just get my hat"  |
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Post by pertempledog on Mar 22, 2007 15:43:13 GMT
yer right.... a topper ;D
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elwyman
Member
A nice autumn day on the Conwy
Posts: 1,035
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Post by elwyman on Mar 22, 2007 22:18:43 GMT
I'm hopeless at remembering jokes, but I remember this from about 40 years ago, updated:
Shay Given was walking down a street in Dublin when he came across a house on fire. A man outside was shouting at a woman who was standing at an open window holding a baby, with smoke streaming out of the window.
The man shouted "Quick missus throw the baby down to me, then jump". But the poor woman wouldn't risk throwing her baby out of the window.
The man recognised Shay Given and shouted to the woman: "Missus, that's Shay Given, the greatest goalkeeper in all of Ireland and the best goalie in the Premier League. Throw him the baby and he's bound to catch it".
The woman recognised Shay immediately and said "Thanks be to Jesus", and she threw the bay towards Shay. Shay was caught unawares but using his amazing skills he leapt to one side and caught the baby safely in his arms.
He then ran forward, bouncing the baby three times, and kicked it over the garden fence.
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Post by ibm59 on Mar 23, 2007 10:06:52 GMT
The eight year old who weighs 14 stone was on Richard&Judy the other day and was asked what his favourite musical instrument is? The fat get replied " the dinner bell "
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Post by pertempledog on Mar 23, 2007 10:32:28 GMT
A man goes to the doctor's for his wife's test results...
Mr.Smith: "I'm here for Mrs. Smith's test results."
Receptionist: "Oh I'm sorry Mr. Smith, there's been a problem. We have
2
sets of test results for a Mrs. Smith and we don't know which belongs to your wife..... I'm afraid it's bad news or terrible news. One test shows Alzheimer's Disease, the other shows AIDS!"
Mr.Smith: "That's awful! What should I do?"
Receptionist: "The doctor suggests you drop her off in the middle of
town, and if she finds her way home, don't sh@g her."
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Post by scottyjock on Mar 23, 2007 13:20:00 GMT
A man goes to the doctor's for his wife's test results... Mr.Smith: "I'm here for Mrs. Smith's test results." Receptionist: "Oh I'm sorry Mr. Smith, there's been a problem. We have 2 sets of test results for a Mrs. Smith and we don't know which belongs to your wife..... I'm afraid it's bad news or terrible news. One test shows Alzheimer's Disease, the other shows AIDS!" Mr.Smith: "That's awful! What should I do?" Receptionist: "The doctor suggests you drop her off in the middle of town, and if she finds her way home, don't sh@g her." ;D ;D ;D Thats a topper !!! |
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Post by greenalert on Mar 23, 2007 18:32:48 GMT
A Great Scottish joke!!!? ;D ;D ;D ;D
Years ago during the invasion of Scotland, hundreds of English soldiers were lined up ready to invade the Scottish borders.
Then suddenly over the hilltop appeared a lone Scot, shouting come on, come and get me.
The English Leader quite outraged ordered 10 of his men to go and sort him out.
Minutes later lots of screams and yells were heard, then silence.
Up on the hilltop the lone Scot re-appears shouting come on, come and get me.
The English leader this time sends 100 men to sort him out.
Lots of screams and yells again are heard then silence.
The lone Scot appears back on the hilltop again shouting for someone to come and get him.
This time the English leader who is by now fuming mad sends 1000 men.
Again lots of screams, clashing of swords, then silence, then over the hill appears a lone Englishman, covered in blood, he staggers down the hill, it's a trick he stammers
Wait for it
THERE'S TWO OF THEM.!!!!!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Post by scotty on Mar 23, 2007 19:39:44 GMT
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Post by speycaster on Mar 23, 2007 22:33:18 GMT
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Post by speycaster on Mar 24, 2007 19:09:10 GMT
thats a bit strong from a nation who,s men wear skirts ;D
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Post by dangler on Mar 24, 2007 22:22:21 GMT
Elwyman, I enjoyed the story but you are a very brave man if you want to tell Mr. Given it was 40 yrs ago.
Mike
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elwyman
Member
A nice autumn day on the Conwy
Posts: 1,035
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Post by elwyman on Mar 24, 2007 22:33:02 GMT
Elwyman, I enjoyed the story but you are a very brave man if you want to tell Mr. Given it was 40 yrs ago. Mike ;D It was Pat Jennings in the original joke. |
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Post by scotty on Mar 26, 2007 17:56:02 GMT
Four people in the carriage of a train - a scotsman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and an English Rugby Player.
It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Englishman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.
The old lady thinks, "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him". The pretty young blonde thinks "I bet the Englishman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him". The Englishman thinks, "I bet that scotsman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me".
The scotsman thinks "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that English t**t again
;D ;D ;D
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salmondan
Member
Fishy fishy, elusive fishy
Posts: 289
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Post by salmondan on Mar 26, 2007 19:21:31 GMT
Well, if we're going to start taking the wotnot out of the home nations
A dejected looking Glaswegian walks into a library and says
"Scuse me pal, have ye got any books aboot suicide?"
To which the librarian replies
"F*** off, ye'll nae bring it back"
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Post by johnmac on Mar 26, 2007 20:05:33 GMT
Four people in the carriage of a train - a scotsman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and an English Rugby Player. It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Englishman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek. The old lady thinks, "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him". The pretty young blonde thinks "I bet the Englishman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him". The Englishman thinks, "I bet that scotsman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me". The scotsman thinks "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that English t**t again ;D ;D ;D belter!!!!!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D  |
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Post by pertempledog on Mar 27, 2007 17:11:10 GMT
It is a belter but I won't go telling it to my English friends....
Here's a non denominational, multi cultural one.....
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a 4-hour
operation.
A young nurse appears in his room to sponge his hands and feet.
"Nurse,"he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet." He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his
thingy in one hand and his testicles in the other hand, takes a close look and says,"There's nothing wrong with them!"
The man removes his oxygen mask and says very slowly, "That
was awesome but listen very, very closely, "Are... my... test...
results...
back?"
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Post by ibrox on Mar 28, 2007 11:17:43 GMT
A guy walks into a pharmacy and asks for a bottle of viagra . The pharmacist eyes him suspiciously. "do you have a prescription for that?" he asks . "No" says the guy , "but will this picture of my wife do?"  From the seatrout forum |
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Post by williegunn on Mar 28, 2007 11:43:57 GMT
A gay walks into a pharmacy and asks for a bottle of viagra . The pharmacist eyes him suspiciously. "do you have a prescription for that?" he asks . "No" says the guy , "but will this picture of my wife do?" From the seatrout forum Was the gay's wife a woman? or a man? |
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Post by ibrox on Mar 28, 2007 11:53:06 GMT
OOPS ! Sorry WG it should be guy , |
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