HA HA HA

[elwyman]

Pinched from the sea trout forum, but what a great punch-line: -

german guy goes up to a pro*titute and says" I vish to haf sex with you!" " Ok" says the girl " I charge £50.00 for an hour" " Zat's all right" says the kraut " I must varn you I vant it kinky" " No problem" says the tart, " I can do a little kinky".

So off they go to her room. Here the german guy gives her four bedsprings and a duck-caller, explains she must fit the springs to each of her limbs and blow the caller when he is pumping her. Strange she thinks but harmless enough. So as the german is giving her a good seeing to she is bouncing up and down on the bedsprings and blowing the duck-caller like mad, realising that she is having the best sex ever.

After he is finished she says to the german " That was totally amazing........................ what style do you call that type of sex?"



WAIT FOR IT........................... you'll love this


















"ah" says the german " FOUR SPRUNG DUCK TECHNIQUE"

;D ;D ;D ;D

[jan]

audi you have the cheek to post a joke like that! ;D

[tyneandrew]

That will be going round the office tomorrow!

[macd]

brilliant.

here is a true story.


A ghillie I know told me of a real cracker: the party that week included some germans and a local guy known for a wicked sense of humour.

anyway in the hut at lunchtime they get talking and our local friend now with a good shot in him tells the germans 'my dad used to work in germany.'

'really, where did he stay'? they asked.

'Oh, he never actually stayed; just dropped his bombs and went home!

fortunately they were the four germans possessed with a sense of humour

[elwyman]

Even Adolf enjoyed a good laugh:

www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2006/dancing-hitler-p1.php

[Fruin]

Another true story.

Many years ago, when I was still at school, I was going fishing on Loch Lomond with a friend and his dad. We were making our way down to the moorings at Balloch, with the outboard, when two German tourists stopped us to ask how you get to Clydebank.

Quick as you like, my mates dad says, "Och, you should find it no bother, you're grampa found it in the dark!!!"

[macd]

my uncle ken on national servcie in germany was in cologne and a bit lost. he asked a local where the train station was.

the guy told him ' you had no problem finding it during the war, now **** off

[scotty]

paddy and mick the 2 irish hunters were out shooting one day, when all of a sudden mick falls to the ground out cold,
paddy does not know what to do, so he phones 999 and gets through to the ambulance department,
he tells the lady on the other end of the phone that his pal has just dropped down dead..... what do i do? he asks the lady....
well... first make sure that he IS dead, she replies.............it all goes quiet for a moment....... then the lady hears a shot.... paddy comes back to the phone and says..... now what? ;D

scotty. ;D ;D

[macd]

;D ;D ;D

a cracker scotty

[plotter]

A man goes to a prostitute and asks her how much?
£100 an hour she said, as im high class.
its abit expensive he says but as your so cute ok, but youll have to do it my way.
whats your way she says with a smirk, expecting some kinky answer..
£1 a week

i thought it was funny anyway...

[pertempledog]

A gentleman in a restaurant asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot over to an attractive woman.

The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the
gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender. She regarded the wine
coolly for a second, not looking at the man and decided to send a reply note
to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from
her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in
your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.
He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.


It read:



"For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the damn bottle back ...

[Fruin]

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the "sh*t" out of all of you !

"St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple of minutes ago.

[salmondan]

The old ones are the best

Shakespeare walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager,

Landlord says "Get out, you're BARD"

[scotty]

A woman is going around the UK doing a survey on sheep shagging, so around london she goes knocking on the doors asking" if they shag sheep and how do you do it to them?" the answer she gets is "yes we shag sheep, put their back legs in the wellies tail under the belt and shag them from behind" great she says and moves on to newcastle and the same question is asked "if they shag sheep and how do you do it to them?" the answer she gets is "yes we shag sheep, put their back legs in the wellies tail under the belt and shag them from behind" so on she moves again up to edinburgh, knocking on the doors she asks "if they shag sheep and how do you do it to them?" the answer she gets is "yes we shag sheep, put their back legs in the wellies tail under the belt and shag them from behind" fantastic she says, so on she goes up to aberdeen and the same again she knocks on the door and asks " do you shag sheep and if you do how do you do it? the man says yes we shag sheep put the back legs in your wellies face the sheep towards you put its front legs over your shoulders hold on tight and away you go, wow she says everyone else does it from behind, they man pauses for a moment and says.....................






























what no kissing?

[ibm59]

When Dolly the well known cloned sheep died a few years ago the scientist involved , not wanting to just dispose of the carcass , advertised in the national press for ideas as to what to do with it.
Two taxidermists in Edinburgh offered to stuff her and thirty six thousand Aberdonians offered to mount her!

[salmonking]

Married couple lying in bed,back to back in complete silence ,they've been wed for 40 odd years and hardly speak(sick do the back teeth of each other).
The old guy farts and says ....."1-0."
No reaction from the missus.
Couple of minutes pass,and he lets off again..."2-0 heh heh".
A slight tilt to the side an the missus lets off...."2-1"she replay's with a wily grin,and as quick as you like follows on with another..
"thats 2-2's each huh".
Desperate to get one over the old hag,the old geezer takes a deep breath,and squeezes as hard as he possibly can...lets rip
and shits the bed...
"WHAT THE F@## WIS THAT?" his wife screams...


He then sits up,looks her in the eye and replys...
"THATS HALF TIME NOW SWAP SIDES"

[ibm59]

NEWS FLASH!!!
Aliens have invaded earth and are abducting all blokes with big c**ks.


Don't worry guys , you're all perfectly safe.
I'm just posting to say goodbye............

[scottyjock]

;D ;D ;D good thread this!!!

He was 80, she was 20.

It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man
married a 20-year-old girl. After a year of marriage
she went into hospital to give birth.

The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying,
"This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"

He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor
running."

The following year the young bride gave birth again.

The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. How do
you do it?"

He again said, "You've got to keep the old motor
running."

The same thing happened the next year.

The nurse said, "Well, well, well! You certainly are
quite a man!"

He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor
running."

The nurse then said, "Well, you better change the oil.
This one's black!"

[elwyman]

Two drunken Irishmen walking down the road find a car wing mirror.

Paddy picks it up and says "I'm soor I recognise dat fellah".

Seamus has a look and says "Don't be daft, dat's me!"

[ibm59]

Paddy is at home sitting in front of the fire , full of flu , and feeling very sorry for himself. He asks his pal , Mick , to go upstairs and get his slippers for him.
Going into the first bedroom he finds , he's confronted by Paddy's two beautiful daughters in a state of undress.
"Yer Da sent me up here to feck the both of ye." says Mick.
" Away and feck yersel " reply the two daughters in unison.
Mick heads back to the top of the stairs and shouts " Both of them , Paddy."
"Of course" , replies Paddy, "Where's the point in feckin one"