HA HA HA

[macd]

How many Spaniards does it take to change a light bulb?

(drum roll if you please, maestro)

Just Juan

[clwydman]

Chap walks into a bakery to get some lunch and he looks at the menu board
Cornish pastie £1:20
Sausage roll 75p
Filled rolls £2.25
W**ks £5

Suddenly a gorgeous shop assistant walks across to serve him. 'Can I help you sir?' she asked sexily.
'Are you the one who does the w**ks?' asked the chap.
'Why Yes, I am!' replied the lady






Well wash your hands, I need two pork pies

[scotty]

an irishman walks into a pub holding a big smelly dog turd, and walks up to the bar and says to the barman..........
















..........look what i nearly stood in

scotty. ;D

[ibrox]

;D ;D ;D

[al44]

A young man and his new girlfriend are on a first date, it's late in the evening and they are sat in his car down a quiet country lane. Things start to hot up but suddenly the girl pulls away with a somewhat troubled look on her face.

"What's the matter?" asks the lad.

"Well, I forgot to tell you...........I'm a prostitute, and will only have sex with you for £50"

The lad thinks for a moment and then agrees.

The two have sex in the car, he pays her and then they have a cigarette. When they've finished their cigarettes the lad just sits there, saying nothing and looking out of the window. After about five minutes the girl can't stand the silence any longer and asks:

"Well, aren't you going to take me home then?"

The lad turn to her and replies "Oh, I'm sorry I forgot to tell you. I'm a taxi driver and its 60 quid back to town!"

[simmo]

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with bottom problems...

Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot". So
the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible"
he says, there is a £20 note lodged up here." Tentatively he eases
the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note appears.
"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?"

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient. The
doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another
and another and another, etc.... Finally the last note comes out and
no more appear. "Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly,dat's moch batter, how
moch is dare den?" The Doctor counts the pile of cash £1,990 exactly."
"Ah, dat'd be roit", says the Irishman.....

Wait for it............)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."

;D

[clyde-rod]

;D ;D ;D

[salmondan]

Why do women have small feet?
So they can get closer to the sink.


Why is a wedding dress white?
So she matches the other kitchen appliances.


Why don't women wear watches?
There's a clock on the oven.


Why haven't they put a woman on the moon?
It doesn't need cleaning.


How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, she can cook and clean in the dark.


I bought the wife a matching handbag and belt for her birthday last week, cost a fortune but the vacuum cleaner works a treat now.

[smigel]

Two men were salmon fishing after a nice spate when a funeral cortege passes over the bridge at the end of the beat. David sees John stop fishing briefly, take off his hat and bow his head, muttering some words under his breath.

When they meet up, David says "That was very respectful of you John, I am really impressed."

John says "Its the least I could do, I was married to her for forty years"

[Is this the oldest joke so far?]

[smigel]

.........apparently though, John hadn't actually spoken to his wife for the last six years. He didn't like to interrupt.

[hornet]

A woman goes to the Doctors complaining that everytime she takes her bra off, a black man sticks his head out from between her bristols, pulls a funny face then blows raspberries.

The Doctor takes a look then bellows, ah i know what the problem is,












You've got sillycoon implants.

No racist offense intended.

[hornet]

Man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his John Thomas. Lady asks, what are you?. A fireman he says, break the glass, pull the knob and I'll come as fast as i can.

[hornet]

Best mate gets a letter delivered and it reads,

Thank you for your photo enquiry to the TV program Extreme Makeover, we need to let you know that we only have surgeons,












not fu_ _ _ _g magicians!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

[hornet]

What does a dwarf get when he runs through a birds legs?.

A clit round the ear,

A flap across the face,

And a crack on the head.

[hornet]

Paddy's driving home pissed. He has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another and another.

Police pull him over because he is all over the road. Paddy tells them all about the trees in the road. The cop says for F_ _ ks sake Paddy, thats the air freshener.

[hornet]

It goes in dry,

It cums out wet,

The longer it's in,

The stronger it gets,

It cums out dripping and starts to sag,

It's not what you think,











It's a tetley tea bag.

(Sorry)

[elwyman]

[strange]

Jock McTavish was up in court for buggering his cat. The case was dismissed cos the judge refused 2 believe a Scotsman would put anything into a kitty

[strange]

English man irish man and a scotsman..all discussing families...englishman says my son was born on st georges day so i called him george...scotsman says what a coincidence my son was born on st peters day so i called him peter...irish man says i dont fecking believe this wait till i tell our pancake !

[scotty]

a couple are lying side by side on the bed after making love for the last 2 hours, both of them smoking a f*g, and she is gentley rubbing his p eni s ,the are just enjoying the momemt, when all of a sudden she bursts into tears... he says whats wrong babe? she sighs oh nothing... i was just admiring your p eni s, he replies so why are you crying? she says...........



















it is just like the one i used to have.