Jokes

[ibm59]

The director of the Scottish Tartan Museum was lecturing in America.
An old Southern Belle fixed her beady gaze on his 17th century sporran and asked ,

"What exactly do you keep in your scrotum?"

[strange]

Larry La Prise who wrote the Hokie Kokie has died @ 93.The worst part was getting him in the coffin.They put his left leg in then the fkin trouble started...

[strange]

Police in liverpool have arrested 3 of 4 known islamic terrorists. BIN MUGGIN, BIN THIEVIN AND BIN DEALIN. Theres no sign of BIN WORKIN!

[strange]

A husband admiring his naked body in the mirror says "look at that 12 stone of pure dynamite." Wife replies "hmm.... shame about the fkin 2 inch fuse"

[strange]

Man & wife in bed... Man farts n shouts "One nil!" ...Wife squeezes one out n shouts back "One all!". When it gets to 2 each the man farts, follows thru n shits the bed. Wife says "wot the feck was that?". Bloke replies "half time, swap sides."!!

[strange]

A farmer walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and say ''this is the pig i have to shag when ur not up for sex'' his wife says ''i think u find thats a sheep'' he says ''i think u find i was talking to the sheep'' ;D

[neptune]

just got back after fishing all day & night, thought id buy the wife some flowers to soften the blow
she was over the moon, she said come up stairs in 2 mins
i went up she was naked on the bed with her legs spread wide, i said whats that for
she said. the flowers. i said HAVEN`T YOU GOT A FKN VASE TO PUT THEM IN

[stuart]

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde
came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a
seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I
have lost it and need a new one.."

She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece
had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw
what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her
over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this
car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."

If you're not sure what a 710 is Click Here

www.hotautoweb.com/cogifs/710.jpg

[stuart]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope

and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm

so sorry, your Duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done
any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and
returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his
hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed
the duck from top to bottom.

He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments
later with a cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the
bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its
head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this
is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried,
"£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!!

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you had taken my word for it, the
bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan it
comes to £150."

[paddymc]

Two dyslexic first-time skiiers get to the top of the slope. On getting there, one says to the other, do we zig zag down the slope or do we zag zig down the slope ?

Second one says, don`t know but lets go and ask that man over there.

First one says KO !!!!!!

On asking the man the question he replies, "I don`t know I`m a tobogganist."

First one says, "in that case give me 20 henson and bedges and a mox of batches."

[juniorspey]

a wee guy was sittin at the bar....big thug walks up to him and knocks him to the ground "thats a karate chop from korea." says thug.
ten mins later..same again, " that was a judo chop from japan." says the thug. the wee guy has had enough and leaves, on returning 20 min later he hits the thug, knocking him out cold, wee guy says to baman"when that guy wakes up tell him it was a crowbar from b and q!!!

[clyde-rod]

;D ;D ;D

[robbie]

Man and woman walk into pub. Man says "pint for me and a gin and tonic for the old donkey" landlord says to woman " that wasnt very nice was it?" woman replies "dont worry, eeyore eeyore eeyorelways calls me that "

[neptune]

two roundabouts sitting in pub
a hard shoulder comes in the roundabouts demand a drink off him
then a bus lane comes in they demand drinks again
a 3 foot strip of tarmac comes in, orders a nip then leaves
the barman says to the roundabouts why didnt you demand drinks from him?
the roundabouts reply.......... you dont want to mess with him hes a cyclepath

[billytheghillie]

2 irishmen talking in the pub, Pat says"If i shag your missus and she has a kid, will that make us related? "No"says Mick, "But it"ll make us even!!!

[billytheghillie]

3 things not to say in a Gay Bar

1.Bugger me, its hot in here!
2.f**k me the beers cheap!
3. Excuse me,do u mind if i push your stool in a bit!.

[stuart]

Desperate Old Lady

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far
and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket
and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked
up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the
store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchase home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old
lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to
get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter
of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there
but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the
bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm
and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old
girl home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down
this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a
lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when
we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up
my skirt, and have your way with me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon
of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I
possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the
bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the
chickens."

[stuart]

Two eggs sitting on a kitchen table.
One of them spots a whisk and asks: "What's that?"
The other egg looks puzzled and replies: "Beats me"

[williegunn]

Lizard Birth"

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through
the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead
goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out
LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me
there was "something wrong" with one of the two
lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm
serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and
followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards
was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I
immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having
babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are
Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't
want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their
cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this
sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I
reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet
voice, while gritting my teeth).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you
know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see
what wasgoing on. I shrugged, deciding to make
the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,"
I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle
of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked

"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do
with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted
to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what
looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing
a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I
noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed
the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.
It disappeared. I tried several more times with the
same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You
see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to
the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to
him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I
mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy
is of her womb, for G~d's sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested
scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs.
Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not
in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . .
Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And
occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most
male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just
the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed,
glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just . just . . . excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied , relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to
giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not
believing that the woman I married would commit
the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just .that . .
I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . . teeny little . . "
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once
more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and
hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into
the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,"
he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing
with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!

[ibm59]

Comment from a young lass on seeing her brother's willie for the first time ,
" Mum , isn't it a blessing that they don't have them on their faces "