Jokes

[neptune]

bloke lying in hospital bed says to nurse are my testicles black
she has a good look & feels them for several minutes she says i cant see anything wrong they look fine to me
he replies thank you very much but listen very closely
i said
are my test results back ;D ;D

[Speyducer]

After a real heavy forum outing, X, XX & XXX are on their way home when a deer skips out onto the road in front of the car. X at the wheel desperately tries to avoid the beast, manages to by a whisker, but the car runs off the road, down a steep bank, and into the fast flowing river below.

As it was dark, and the three were all absolutely bushed after the 3 day outing, none managed to escape the car, and all, unfortunately drown.

Subsequently, all three are whisked up to heaven in the blink of an eye.

After they have been shown through the pearly gates by St Peter, they are taken through a series of antechambers, and larger rooms, until finally they are brought into a huge domed room, and before long, they are standing before God, right at the very throne of heaven.

God looks them over and says "Before granting you a place in my Kingdom, I must first ask you each what you truly believe in."

Looking at X first he asks "Now, what do you believe in?"

X looks God straight in the eye and says very passionately, "I believe that fishing is the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people from the slums of Possil to the bright lights of the Royal Mile. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people, being blessed with a great ability, and by passing on this by teaching others this wondrous activity, and watch them be successful as I have been. I may have to correct them from time to time, but that’s a teacher’s lot”.

God is so moved by this, he calls up and offers X the seat to his left.

God then turns to XX, and asks, "And you, XX, what do you truly believe?"

XX stands tall and proud, "I believe that teaching others to make their own fishing tackle and flies is one of the fundamentals of life, as it disciplines others to be self sufficient in this fine & wonderful pursuit, and I've spent my whole fishing life in ensuring that others learn the precise and exact way to construct such fishing devices so that they may be as successful as me”.

God, also moved by such passion in the words of XX, offers him the seat to his right.

Finally, God turns to XXX and enquires "And you, XXX, what do you believe?"

"I believe" says XXX, after looking up "that you're in my seat."

[salmonnut]

Nice Varient SD.. ;D ;D ;D

[salmondan]

Come on SD, we need names ;D

[Speyducer]

salmondan said:

Come on SD, we need names ;D

And here's me thinking that it was perfectly obvious!

Mr X

Mrs XX

& Miss XXX (aka Miss June) -

(( how I 'miss' June!!!!

Mike

[victorclem]

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the
same day.

They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven

The angel said "Unfortunately, there*s only one
space in Heaven today so I must decide which of one of
you will be admitted."

The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular
reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her
top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect
breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please
God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty,
Queen Elizabeth the same question.

The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever
and flushes it without saying a word.

The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you
may go into Heaven."

Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all
about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations
and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode
and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain
that to me?

"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven,
a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."

[stuart]

My parents told me about Mr. Common Sense early in my life and told me I
would do well to call on him when making decisions.

It seems he was always around in my early years but less and less as time
passed until today I read his obituary.

Obituary -
Common Sense. Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common
Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old
he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing
when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life
isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more
than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children are
in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned
but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old
boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended
from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job
they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It
declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to
administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student, but could
not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an
abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became
contraband; churches became businesses and criminals received better
treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't
defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you
for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her
lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his
wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is
survived by three stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame,
and I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone. If you
still remember him pass this on. If not, join the majority and do Nothing.

[Fruin]

I hope nobody thinks that I am a killjoy here, but can I ask all members to try to keep the jokes reasonably clean. Although we talk about this place being a pub, it isn't, and there could be onlookers that are not as rich in all the experiences that life has to offer as most of us.
IMO, jokes that need a bit of grown-up interpretation are fine, but swearing and adult jokes (although very, very funny ) should be kept to a minimum on an open forum. We do not want any unwelcome visitors!!!

I hope that everybody understands why I have asked for restraint. Feel free to pm me if you disagree.

[smigel]

A Welshman, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island.

After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Welshman. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Welshman took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Welshman had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear... .
.
.
."could you take the dog for a walk?"

[clydesider]

Proud dad visiting his wife and new baby in the maternity ward for the first time.
She asks him did he remember to put the news in the local newspaper births section.
Yes he said but it cost over £3000
Shocked, she asked how it cost so much
He replied, well the lady asked me how many insertions and I said twice a night for 6 months!

[salmonnut]

THE IMFAMOUS GLASGOW RANGERS 1. If Glasgow Rangers ever win the Coronation cup - they will be the 2nd scottish club ever to do so 2.If they ever beat their deadliest rivals 7-1 ina major domestic cup final, they will be the second Scottish club ever to do so 3.If they ever reach the European cup semi-final 4 times, they will be the second Scottish club ever to do so 4.If they ever win every competition they enter in 1 season, they will be the second Scottish club ever to do so 5. If they reach the European cup final, they will be the second Scottish club ever to do so 6. If they ever reach the European cup final with 11 home bred players, they will be the second Scottish club ever to do so 7.If they ever reach the European cup final twice, they will be the second Scottish club ever to do so 8.Ithey ever win the EUROPEAN CUP . they will be the 2ND Scottish club ever to do so 9.Having won 9 in a row, it must a great feeling to know that for the NINTH TIME IN A ROW YOU 2ND AND ALLWAYS WILL BE.........................HAIL HAIL

[speycaster]

who,s second at the moment [he he ] ;D