Jokes

[speycaster]

maybe we should change your name to willie pull ;D classic mate ,i have one but its to embarrassing to tell he he

[speycaster]

hence the expression shaking the lizard lol ;D

[neptune]

bloke sees a talking dog advertised for £10. he knocks on door & a man answers with a dog
the dog says.. can i help you the man is amazed & asks how can you talk. the dog replies... i grew up with kids & just picked it up, then i got a job with the police i would stand next to drug dealers,robbers vandals etc. then tell my bosses where the crimes were going to happen. i was so good i went to italy & cracked the mafia ring then i was in america canada and i retired after my final job in spain.
the man says thats amazing but tell me why are you selling this dog for £10
the seller replies.... cos hes a big liar he hasnt done half the things hes just told you ;D ;D

[greenalert]

neptune said:

bloke sees a talking dog advertised for £10. he knocks on door & a man answers with a dog
the dog says.. can i help you the man is amazed & asks how can you talk. the dog replies... i grew up with kids & just picked it up, then i got a job with the police i would stand next to drug dealers,robbers vandals etc. then tell my bosses where the crimes were going to happen. i was so good i went to italy & cracked the mafia ring then i was in america canada and i retired after my final job in spain.
the man says thats amazing but tell me why are you selling this dog for £10
the seller replies.... cos hes a big liar he hasnt done half the things hes just told you ;D ;D

;D ;D ;D ;D Cracker

[hornet]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since she satdown, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.


Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its
socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to
you, " she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepestdreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! !

"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect
woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet "No, " she replies. . . . . . "

Wait for it. .





She says:







"You just happened to catch my eye."




Hornet

[flee]

A lesson to be learned from the wrong email address!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where theyspent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to co-ordinate their
travelschedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday,with his wife flying down the following day. When the husband checked intothe hotel, there was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, in Houston, Texas a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!

;D

[billytheghillie]

i very good hornet and flee ;D ;D ;D

[victorclem]

Fishing joke for fishing website:

Hamish the poacher was stopped by the police, somewhere in the Scottish
Highlands recently, with two buckets of fish, leaving a river well known
for its fishing.

The Policeman asked him, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

Hamish replied, "These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish!?" the officer asked.

"Yes sir. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let them
swim around for a while. When I whistle, they jump back into the
buckets, and I take them home."

"That's a lot of crap! Fish can't do that!"

Hamish looked at the officer for a moment, and then said "Here I'll show
you, it really works."

"O.K. I've got to see this!" The officer was curious now. Hamish poured
the fish into the stream and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the Policeman turned to him and said "Well?"

"Well, What?" Hamish responded.

"When are you going to call them back?" The officer prompted.

"Call who back?" Hamish asked.

"The fish." replied the officer.

"What fish?" asked Hamish ......

[ibrox]

;D ;D

[hornet]

A drunken bloke proudly shows off his new apartment to a couple of his pissed mates late one night.

The bloke led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. "What's that big brass gong?" asked one of his pissed mates.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously? asked his astonished mate.

"Aye," replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the 2nd mate asked, squinting at it.

"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear- shattering whack and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "You arsehole ... it's ten past three in the morning!"


Hornet

[hornet]

Two girly friends had gone for a night out, but had been
decidedly over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers and Vodka Ices. Incredibly drunk and staggering home, they needed a piss.

They were near a grave yard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her panties and use them, then throw them away.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of scants
and didn't want to ruin hers. Lucky enough she was able to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the
graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that.

They then made off for home.

The next day one of the woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "These fecking girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing," said the other, "Mine came back with a card
stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said,


'From all of us at the Fire Station.


We'll never forget you'."


Hornet

[sinkingtip]

hornet said:

A man goes to his doctor with a bit of lettuce hangin out his arse.
The doctor says "that looks nasty"










"nasty" says the man "its just the tip of an iceberg"



Hornet

Same bloke goes to the doctor and says....."Doctor, Ive got a strawberry hanging out of my arse"

Doctor says...." I'll give you some cream for that"

[salmondan]

sinkingtip said:

hornet said:

A man goes to his doctor with a bit of lettuce hangin out his arse.
The doctor says "that looks nasty"










"nasty" says the man "its just the tip of an iceberg"



Hornet

Same bloke goes to the doctor and says....."Doctor, Ive got a strawberry hanging out of my arse"

Doctor says...." I'll give you some cream for that"

His neighbour went to the doc's with a frog on his head.

Doctor said "What's this then?"

Frog said "Well, it started out as a boil on me arse"

[Tyne Angler]

The police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday.

Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency,and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop.
"You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."

"Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

"That was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to Lawrence and he was just...... pumping away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with
a pumpkin?'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said,

"A pumpkin? F**k me, is it midnight already?"

[flee]

;D ;D


A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the
Man Opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to
another seat. This Time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained To the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign "Logan's Liniment Will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign That said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident." I just Lost it.

"CASE DISMISSED"

[flee]

The Hormone Guide



Women will understand this and the men should memorize it!



Every woman knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!



DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.



DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you sure look good in brown!
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's my paycheck.
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.


13 Things PMS Stands For:



1. Pass My Shotgun



2. Psychotic Mood Shift



3. Perpetual Munching Spree



4. Puffy Mid-Section



5. People Make me Sick



6. Provide Me with Sweets



7. Pardon My Sobbing



8. Pimples May Surface



9. Pass My Sweat pants



10. Pissy Mood Syndrome



11. Plainly; Men Suck



12. Pack My Stuff



and my favorite one.



13. Potential Murder Suspect







For men who need a warning.

And remember: Money talks .... but Chocolate SINGS!!!


;D ;D ;D

[ibm59]

Cracker , Flee.
LMFAO. ;D

[neptune]

the priest was walking through the woods when he seen two frogs. they asked him to help them he agreed to help but had to ask how
the frogs said take us home bath us, feed us be nice to us, then take us to your bed & lay us on the pillow when you wake up in the morning your care and love will turn us back into choir boys that we used to be
sure enough the next morning the 2 choir boys were lying naked in bed next to the priest

"and thats the truth the whole truth & nothing but the truth your honour" ;D

[juniorspey]

classic corries song that one!!! ;D ;D ;D

[clyde-rod]

a blind man walks into morrissons swinging his guide dog round his head. A customer asked him if he was alright and he said- " im fine im just having a look round"